Okay, Okay, I know that it has been awhile since I have blogged but, I have been a little preoccupied lately. I know that I wanted this blog to always be happy but, I have realized that life it going to happen whether it be happy or not.

I am stuck in a very hard place right now and I feel like I have no where to turn. There are so many things that I want done right now and the hardest part for me is being patient and letting things happen the way that they need to and when they can. I want everything to happen now not later! That is the controller coming out of me. I need to control or at least feel like I am in control. This past 2 weeks I have been very far from being able to control my situation. I feel so frustrated and then I don’t think rationally or logically. Not that I have ever really thought logically in my life. I am more of the type to jump to the action that the moment presents and then suffer miserably from the consequence later.

One situation in my life that I wish I had more control of is that I am madly and falling deeper in love with someone that is in an entirely different world. I am scarred that this relationship might fall apart but am to stubborn to let it, 9 and half hours apart does its toll on any relationship. Not to mention that the only time we talk is through messaging, and emailing pictures to each other. I will be the first to admit that I would not normally have even considered a relationship like this. I know logically it makes no since yet for some reason I am driven to know more and to understand and experience his world and life. I’ll be honest at times I feel as if he makes this difficult for me, maybe to keep me hanging on, giving me just enough to always be wanting for more. Then again it could just be the deep distrust that I have taught myself to have with men.

I know that I don’t give many a fair chance. That I am always too quick to judge and I do apologize for that. I find myself very cautious especially since I have a little girl that is so dependent on me. This makes my situation even harder. It has put the idea in my head that no matter what, no one is good enough, even if they are. I have so many mixed emotions in my head it’s hard to think logically and put all feelings aside. When I do seem to find a spare moment to think, something pops up and reminds me of the feelings in my heart. Maybe it’s a higher power telling me not to think but to act on those feelings.

I have so many emotions tugging at me that I have been strong enough. It is time that I let loose, let everything out and cry for hours till I fall asleep.